Sex, Friends, and Religion

"Aaargggh!" Brett's guttural scream interrupted my planned smooth exit from his bed. Fuck! I had slammed my knee down hard on his belly as I tried to crawl over him toward the door.
He must have thought for a moment that I was trying to kill him. He looked at me with a shocked and pained expression. I grinned sheepishly at my clumsiness. In the darkness of the night, all he could see of my dark-skinned face was my bared white teeth. I must have looked quite menacing.
"Oh my God, Oh God" he muttered in a shaky voice over and over again. I mumbled an apology for my cruel interruption of his sleep and left for the comfort of my own bed.

We had had a rather difficult conversation earlier. The conversation that happens when a 'friends with benefits' arrangement strays into an uncomfortable position. I had started to notice the disconnect between feeling and knowing that he should never be the object of my feelings. I knew that the feelings were not real. They were but a conditioned response to the sensual pleasure we'd shared. It was a response to the sex we had had that made me feel stoned and delirious. It was the crazy sex we had while stoned; the cock that made me wail in pleasure as it pulsated against my most sensitive spot. Damn it! My 'feelings' responded like a Pavlonian dog's slobber to the sound of a bell. I needed to unconditioned the response while I could still question the difference.

Brett lived and worked in the tattoo parlour across the street from the duplex that housed my basement apartment. He had been instrumental to my sexual re-awakening. I had lived an impassioned celibacy for the past six years. It was quite easy for a while. My childhood was characterized by perpetual religious indoctrination about the impropriety of 'dirty sex.' When I dared to make an early venture into having dirty sex the experience was so unsatisfying I wondered how any woman could possibly enjoy it. Of course, I was always on a perfectionist quest for the right guy. A guy with whom I wouldn't mind having dirty un-fun sex

At 25 the dogmatic and historical strangleholds on my sex drive were wearing off fast. Masturbation, porno and masturbation to porno eased some of the tension; but, it was no match for the demands of my young body. I wanted out of chastity and into orgasm. Having uncommitted sex was certainly a lot more moral and natural than watching orgies of bleached blonds getting drilled by artificially endowed penises.

Just when I knew it was time, I met a stocky red-head. Brett saw himself as a sophisticated white gangster. We were as different as two people could be. Still, he was well-read and entertaining and always charming. I would not screw stupid.

He gave me what I needed. Every time I reached orgasm I screeched a blasphemous celebratory cheer to the unleashing of the inner sex beast I never knew I had.

Today a 'feeling' surfaced. Was it time to call it quits? I shared my thoughts. We traded accusations and some snippy comments. Ultimately, I could tell he didn't care. The same qualities that made Brett a perfect candidate for an uncommitted roll-in-the-sack made him a poor one for empathy. I had loved him once - as a friend. He had no use for it. I learned not to. I think it selfish to love an able person without their consent.

I could see that he was trying hard not to show me just how little he cared about the conversation we were having. That was the extent of his caring. I was hurt but more than that, I was horny. My hurt feelings, I could mend tomorrow. My nipples needed immediate attention. I stepped out of my panties and pulled him into the bedroom by his member. We fucked. We fucked hard.

At the cost of a hurt feeling and knee-in-belly incident my beast was tamed for the night. We kept our freedom. Was this the best of both worlds?

When I got home to my own bed I visited utopia. In this space, I found a man on whom I could loose the depths of my crazy loving - and my inner sex beast. My heart joined my mind in places that only my clit had visited. Passion ran wild - totally and dangerously unrestrained.

Of course when I woke up, he was gone. I was back to my friendly sex reality. Just good enough - for now.